Within the biblical account of Amnon, we see a declaration of love for his sister; however, his actions revealed something far deeper. In 2 Samuel 13, Amnon’s behavior makes it clear that what he felt for his half-sister Tamar was not love, but lust. This distinction is critically important because, when we fail to recognize the difference between love and lust, we can experience devastation and desolation in our own relationships—just as Tamar did.
The story begins by emphasizing that Amnon’s love for Tamar made him sick (2 Samuel 13:2). In reality, however, what Amnon felt was not love—it was an unhealthy obsession. It made him sick because he knew it was wrong to pursue her, yet his thoughts of her consumed him.
The Bible tells us in 1 John 4:8-16 that God is love. Therefore, genuine love should reflect God’s character: it should be healing, restorative, compassionate, just etc.. But when what is called “love” produces obsession, possessiveness, and immoral thoughts—as it did with Amnon—it is not love. It is lust.
The story goes on to reveal that Amnon deceived Tamar to get what he wanted from her (2 Samuel 13:10). He fabricated a story that he was sick and needed her to come and care for him. Little did Tamar know that his sickness was not physical but rooted in his heart and mind.
In 1 Corinthians 13, the Bible describes authentic love as rejoicing in the truth. When a relationship is marked by lies, dishonesty, or manipulation—as it did with Amnon— it is not love. It is lust.
The story deepens when Amnon manipulates Tamar into coming to his bedside. He then attempts to pressure her into sleeping with him. When Tamar refuses, Amnon responds by disregarding her “no' and showing disrespect towards her. (2 Samuel 13:11-13)
Scripture tells us in 2 John 1:6 that love means walking according to God’s commandments. This includes following Matthew 7:12, which calls us to treat others with the same respect we would want for ourselves. Therefore, when a relationship disregards your boundaries and fails to consider your emotions or desires—as Amnon did—it is not love. It is lust.
Amnon, consumed by obsession and disdain for Tamar’s refusal, makes the reckless decision to attack her. (2 Samuel 13:14) There, in her brother’s own chambers, Tamar is abused and raped by her half-brother, Amnon.
A full reading of 1 Corinthians 13 makes clear that authentic love is never abusive. If a relationship tears you down physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually—as Amnon did to Tamar—it is not love. It is lust.
As if the abuse was not devastating enough, after Amnon got what he wanted from Tamar, the Bible says that he hated her and cast her aside (2 Samuel 13:15–17). He dismissed her from his sight. The very sight of the woman he had once desired now disgusted him because she reminded him of what he had done.
Love is the opposite of hate, which is divisive by nature (Proverbs 10:12). Love unifies because authentic love is not self-seeking—a trait at the root of division in relationships (1 Corinthians 13). When a relationship is self-centered, self-gratifying, and self-promoting—as Amnon's was—it is not love. It is lust.
If we are not careful to distinguish between love and lust, we may find ourselves trapped in relationships that claim to love us but ultimately do the opposite to us. Amnon’s words said he loved her, yet his actions left her desolate—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually devastated.
Some of us may feel the same way right now because we are seeking love in relationships that are rooted in lust. One-sided relationships inevitably lead to desolation though, because authentic love requires unity and unity demands pure thoughts, truth, mutual respect, self-control and selflessness. None of which Amnon possessed.
This is why we are called to examine the fruit of every person and every claim in our lives (Matthew 7:15–20). Healthy trees bear good fruit, while diseased trees bear bad fruit. We discover that fruit by watching what the professed seed actually produces.
If your relationships never find resolution, never leave you feeling encouraged, and never inspire you to become or do better, it may be time to take a closer look. If they consistently leave you feeling depressed, inadequate, or abused, it is time to stop accepting the seeds being planted in your ear and start prioritizing what you see is being produced. Sometimes, we can make love such an idol in our lives that we fail to consider whether it meets biblical standards. When we overlook this need for discernment, we may invite choices and consequences that can harm our future by who we choose to be around us and have influence over us.
Sincerely Selena
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